The Plight of Mongo

So here it is again, in the darkest of winter, a mere week after the national shopping extravaganza that was once loosely tied to the birth of the christian savior, we have the birthday of the calendar.  Or something,  I don’t know.  The New Year.  Many cultures celebrate the turning of the year, marking upon the terrestrial earth the passing of the celestial earth.  One more lap around the sun.

Here in the USA we celebrate the turning of the calendar with a socially accepted binge drinking session.  A day and night where ordinary people, those that do not drink for the sake of it, get hammered.  We’re talking fraternity house Saturday night hammered.  People who would spend a normal weekend catching up on the crossword and supping tea are thrust into writhing seas of bodies, showering themselves in champagne.

It is socially acceptable on this day for you to drink yourself into a babbling fool, with urine and vomit caking your clothes.

The day of debauchery has been so ingrained into our society that the first day of the year has earned the unofficial holiday title of “national hangover day”.

You might take from this post that I have a problem with this, quite the contrary.  I marvel at how a society that by the standards of the rest of the industrial western nations would be called puritanical, this day all those who can are encouraged to get so snookered that brain damage might, and most possibly will, occur.

So go get fucked up America. Wake up next to some stranger with the taste of gun metal and vomit in your mouth.  For you begin each year with the vision to create the next, I say let it be blurry.   Let the first impressions of the new decade be of a pounding headache and the feeling that something sticky is inside of your brain.

Has anyone ever told you to make time for something?  Or have you promised yourself or other that you would make time for something?  Sure, what is meant by this overused cliche’ is to simply fit something into your daily routine.  However, the simple concept of “making time” bugs the crap out of me.

Time is not a material, it has no corporeal existence.  Most of what we simple earth creatures consider time is really just a measurement of the moon’s orbit.  Thanks to our good friend Albert, we understand that there are forces in this universe that can alter our perception of time, and even alter time itself.

Now consider what would happen if time could actually be created.  If you could step into a chem lab and whip up a fresh batch of seconds, minutes, hours or even days.  Time that could be contained, consumed, and poof.  A new hour with no plans.  Would it change time for everyone?  Or could it just contain you inside a bubble of your own time, only to catch you up with the rest of the world.  Imagine, a bottle of liquid time.  I think it would look like mercury, because liquid mercury looks cool.

Dude, you just spilled like three hours.

So you drink this bottle of liquid time, at say 3pm.  You got about your business, only everyone else seems frozen.  And then the hour runs out, and the world starts back up for you at 3pm.  Only the things you worked with had changed.  Or, imagine that others who were drinking the liquid time at the same time were there with you until you dropped out of the bottled time space into real time.

Entire groups of people would age by years in what seemed like days.  However, research to ease the pain of aging could be done in the bottled time space.  Vehicles would pop in and out of traffic, causing massive accidents.  Some people would never return from bottled time.  One day they would buy years of the silver magic drought,  and then appear the next second ancient and dying.

There you go, making time will create massive car accidents, people disappearing and reappearing as withered old crones, and the only science that would be making progress would be to keep people around for longer.  Something we really don’t need.

So the next time you are asked to make time for something, or promise yourself to make time for someone, understand the consequences.  Ask them if they really want all those people to die, and all those old people taking Viagra and living on social security for 100yrs.

Those assholes.